live like you were dying

I was a pessimist. I loved saying 'no' to everything. I used to say "ntah, x tahu" when I was younger. I ignored the world and people around me. I never learned to say "I love you" to anyone. I often took things for granted. I always thought who cares what's happening in others' life and life was all about me.

Oh well, that was before. 

After abah passed away, I started to view life from different perspectives. I now realize that there's more to life than being HDH. Being an individual is one thing, but how do you want to be a good one is another. I now listen to people, appreciate their existence and presence in my life and surprisingly, I learn how to understand life. Not quite yet, I think, but I'm on my way. 

I cannot put my feelings into words at this moment, but I just need to say this one thing. I know now how to be a giver and today, my life revolves around this. A giver to myself and to the people around me. I'm a shy person as always, but I no longer see that as a problem. There are ways that I could contribute to people and 'reach' them. I teach myself slowly to speak out my opinion and let people know my thoughts. As long as I have the courage, I will keep moving on, like abah used to tell me, hidup mesti berani. :) 

I will always look for ways to improve myself and live my life to the fullest. Let's not live in regrets, even something really bad happened, even if I did the worst mistake ever, or I made wrong decisions, I need to move on and learn from the pasts. Even though the main purpose of life is to find His blessing, but it would be such a waste if we did not have fun (in halal ways of course). Fun, as in contentment and satisfaction. 

Farzad, my 60-year-old classmate, told me that I need to LIVE MY OWN LIFE. Do not do something because of your kids, but do it because you want to, do it for YOURSELF. Teach, not because of the students, but teach for yourself. Learn, not because of the teacher (or Petronas), but learn for yourself. Do not do something because Allah said so. Do something because of the love for Allah, and His blessing.